Machete is a decent movie about a spoof movie trailer. It stars Danny Trejo, who’s perfectly cast as a “walking shit magnet” with a killer attitude and a killer face situation.
There are 12 decapitations and two naked babes in the first five minutes. From there, it’s an unhinged slide into shitsville – a messy cascade of dusty, craggly-faced violence. So definitely a cool date movie.
That said, your editors originally had no interest in seeing it. To reiterate, Machete is a feature length release based on a goof movie trailer. Hollywood is officially out of ideas. Even more out of ideas than Daddy Day Camp.
But we were in a jam and needed to kill a couple hours. Hence, “The Mashitty”. Here’s the recipe:
- First, be locked out of your girlfriend’s apartment (we have a girlfriend, AND she rents an apartment. Jealous?).
- Next, be alone and have just gotten back into town from a weekend at a cabin with no plumbing or beds. This way, asking for the tiny bottle of Jose Cuervo at the liquor store will make you feel extra homeless.
- (Go to a liquor store and buy that tiny little Jose Cuervo. No judging.)
- Then go to a bodega and get a can of Tecate and a Jarritos brand Mexican soda. Any flavor will do.
- Under normal circumstances, you would carry all three into the theater in a bag, easy breezy. But you don’t have a bag with you because you’re winging it, so just jam them into your pants pockets. Luckily, AMC attendants are not paid to give a shit about “outside food or beverages”, so they tend to ignore the bulges.
- Get a cup full of ice from the concession stand.
- Mix the Jose Cuervo, Tecate, and Jarritos into the cup in the following proportions: -100% it doesn’t matter. Just dump them in.
- Exactamundo! Mexploitation in a cup.
The movie has all the best parts of the trailer with some surprise semi-cameo performances from two of Hollywood’s finest (DeNiro and Lohan).
It’s good enough to make you forget that there are almost certainly bedbugs in the theater, and it is definitely the best platform to articulate your stance on the national immigration issue, Robert Rodriguez.
The drink is actually pretty good too, and can easily be distilled down to a shot to accompany the original Grindhouse trailer, as it was intended.
Read more about Machete at IMDB, the popular internet movie site.