Your editors beat the heat this weekend at Captain America: The First Avenger, which is a cool movie about a cool country in a cool theater. It’s also required reading for anyone planning to see The Avengers next Spring. If that’s you, feel free to suggest cocktails in the comments section (we will ignore your suggestions).
Here’s the party in the U.S.A.: like so many dudes in Brooklyn, Chris Evans is a scrawny wuss with a big heart. Renowned scientist Stanley Tucci gives him some juice that makes him unbelievably chestwaxed. Then sends him to go fight Nazis. He whoops so much butt and becomes a hero and a symbol of all that is right and great. Because it’s not about the Captain. It’s about America. And America has huge tits. Now go punch Hitler in the face with those huge tits!
One unfortunate byproduct of his experiment is that he can’t get drunk any more. But you still can!
What’s a good, patriotic cocktail about American exceptionalism, courage, and just busting through the front door on a motherfucker?
Beeyok!: “The Thirst Avenger”
- 1 part Jack Daniels (USA)
- 2 parts American flag can of Budweiser (USA)
- 2 parts Coca Cola (USA)
- 100% of an American flag (China)
Try to get ahead of this a little or you’ll wind up in the front row of the theater like we did. Grab whatever Jack Daniels you have lying around and stuff it in a bag. On the way over, swing by a bodega and grab the Budweisers. If you go someplace that doesn’t carry the American flag ones, boycott that place forever. Those are key. Go somewhere else and grab a flag there too. Every drug store sells these in the summer.
Get in the theater and buy a small Coca-Cola. The small is like 50 ounces too big so you have to go dump some out in the drinking fountain. People will think you are crazy but this is a free country and you do what you want. From there, get in the theater and mix up the medicine.
Like Stanley Tucci’s version, this one hurts a little at first, but then you get over it and you start feeling yourself becoming stronger and better, mainly in the chest region.
The movie itself is pretty good. They condense most of the explosions into one completely unhinged montage, which is overwhelming and insane. But he jumps off of some exploding tanks and Tommy Lee Jones reprises his role as Tommy Lee Jones, which is always great.
The low points are the blue cube thing because what is that thing? And everyone’s German accent. Holy shizer those are bad German accents.
Anyway we did it. Mission accomplished. Wave your flag proudly. Thank you cocktail. You were very good for this movie. And Hollywood, you’re on notice. We’ve sat through five Avengers prequels now. Some are okay. Some are awful. Either way you’ve rung up a 10 hour price tag, plus expenses. Your editors expect a return on their investment next Spring…
You can learn more about Captain America: The First Avenger at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.