Archive for September, 2010

EXPENDABLES: REAL MEN HAVE 6-PACKS

Monday, September 13th, 2010

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What’s more expendable than cheap beers by the dozen?

THE EXPENDABLES has all the “top” action stars of our generation (really though, where’s Seagal & Van Damme?) working on covert missions and generally just being badass, it also shows Stallone get a full tattoo in under 10 seconds, how badass is that!

Our usual question, What to drankwiththat for the Expendables? the only logical answer, ALL OF IT.
Knowing the film would land somewhere in the 80-90 minute mark we had to get selective, our initial ambitious idea of splitting a 30 pack was shaved down to a more reasonable and arguably more appropriate 6 pack…each.

In relation to past drankwiththats this one is relatively simple.

• Stop at the nearest deli for the beers, we opted to choose strictly American 12oz cans, though you wouldn’t go wrong with a Russian, British or Chinese selection.

• Hiding the sixers to sneak into the theater on a 95 degree day may not appear to be an easy feat but in relation to overthrowing a fictional dictator of a fictional island guarded by Stonecold Steve Austin this job is nothing. Baggy pants and loose sticking tape are great for lower leg hiding or a better recommendation is the utility messenger bag, oversized with good faux coverage to keep the beers cold and hidden.

• once inside, crack your first of 6 at the site of local Somalian pirates executing hostages, if you are done with that first one by the time Dolph Lundgren blows up his first torso you know you’re pacing correctly, the sixth will empty just as Jason “Christmas” Statham recites his closing poem while playing darts with a knife.

This is a drankwiththat that we can almost guarantee these Expendables would thoroughly approve of though they might question all those carbs.

There’s rumors of a sequel in the works, if we could get a guarantee of at least one boob shot, a better face-off between Stallone and Lundgren and of course a lot more Mickey we’ll definitely be back.

Read The Expendables on IMDB, the popular movie internet site.

Machete: B Movie = Booze Movie.

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

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Machete is a decent movie about a spoof movie trailer. It stars Danny Trejo, who’s perfectly cast as a “walking shit magnet” with a killer attitude and a killer face situation.

There are 12 decapitations and two naked babes in the first five minutes. From there, it’s an unhinged slide into shitsville – a messy cascade of dusty, craggly-faced violence. So definitely a cool date movie.

That said, your editors originally had no interest in seeing it. To reiterate, Machete is a feature length release based on a goof movie trailer. Hollywood is officially out of ideas. Even more out of ideas than Daddy Day Camp.

But we were in a jam and needed to kill a couple hours. Hence, “The Mashitty”. Here’s the recipe:

  1. First, be locked out of your girlfriend’s apartment (we have a girlfriend, AND she rents an apartment. Jealous?).
  2. Next, be alone and have just gotten back into town from a weekend at a cabin with no plumbing or beds. This way, asking for the tiny bottle of Jose Cuervo at the liquor store will make you feel extra homeless.
  3. (Go to a liquor store and buy that tiny little Jose Cuervo. No judging.)
  4. Then go to a bodega and get a can of Tecate and a Jarritos brand Mexican soda. Any flavor will do.
  5. Under normal circumstances, you would carry all three into the theater in a bag, easy breezy. But you don’t have a bag with you because you’re winging it, so just jam them into your pants pockets. Luckily, AMC attendants are not paid to give a shit about “outside food or beverages”, so they tend to ignore the bulges.
  6. Get a cup full of ice from the concession stand.
  7. Mix the Jose Cuervo, Tecate, and Jarritos into the cup in the following proportions:                                                                                                                                      -100% it doesn’t matter. Just dump them in.
  8. Exactamundo! Mexploitation in a cup.

The movie has all the best parts of the trailer with some surprise semi-cameo performances from two of Hollywood’s finest (DeNiro and Lohan).

It’s good enough to make you forget that there are almost certainly bedbugs in the theater, and it is definitely the best platform to articulate your stance on the national immigration issue, Robert Rodriguez.

The drink is actually pretty good too, and can easily be distilled down to a shot to accompany the original Grindhouse trailer, as it was intended.

Read more about Machete at IMDB, the popular internet movie site.