MIB3 is the the third film the in the popular Men In Black series, which is now a trilogy.  The Men in Black movies are about how aliens live on Earth and a well-dressed division of Homeland Security keep an eye on them.

In this version of the movie, something mysterious happens to Tommy Lee Jones so Will Smith has to go back in time to figure it out.  Guess what he figures out:  Tommy Lee Jones was actually played by a different actor when he was younger.  That explains a lot!

Apparently, the guy who plays George W Bush was young TLJ.  It gets even weirder than that, but we can’t remember because it was right about the time that our minds went blank from the drank we were dranking.  MIB3… what are you gonna drank with that?  Introducing The Mind Eraser.

The Mind Eraser is actually already a drink.  We’ve had it before, but never like this!  Did the inventors of this drink travel in to the future to know how perfectly their cocktail would match a major blockbuster film?  I’ll bet 6 bucks that they didn’t!    Could they have understood the blend of vodka and kahlua as the perfect beverage representation of ebony and ivory played out by the two leads actors?  Michael Jackson and the Beatles can’t even sing it this good!  Could they have known that the audience would actually want to forget that they’d seen this movie, but would need a little help to do so?  Boom!

• On your way to the movie, stop off and buy equal parts vodka and kahlua
• Also, buy some soda water and limes.  You’ll need a knife to cut the lime in the theater.  We only had a plastic one, which wasn’t enough, so try to figure that one out in advance.
• Go to a dollar store and look for blue light LED key chains.  We couldn’t find any blue ones so we just bought some white ones and painted the bulbs blue with a permanent marker.  It actually worked!
• Mix the vodka and kahlua 1 to 1 in a concession stand cup (with ice), then add the soda water to taste.  Garnish with lime.
• Use your blue light to flash your buddy and take a drink every time that Will and Tommy do it.  You’ll want to drink and flash as much as possible because it’s easier to forget the movie this way.

Here’s what it looked like in the bag.  Don’t stare at the blue light for too long.

Overall, we had a good time at this movie, we think.  Go see MIB3 and drink a Mind Eraser.  Read about MIB3 on IMDB, the popular Internet movie site.

]]> http://drankwiththat.com/?feed=rss2&p=527 0 http://drankwiththat.com/?p=508 http://drankwiththat.com/?p=508#comments Thu, 24 May 2012 22:54:15 +0000 Dranky http://drankwiththat.com/?p=508

Battleship is a movie about the Navy versus the Aliens, in boats.  It’s based on the popular board game, also called Battleship.  The original board game is actually kind of a dumb game with a lot of parts that you end up losing, and the movie is also pretty bad too.  There are no aliens in the board game.

In this movie, Liam Neeson is the head of the Navy and has a bad relationship with the sailor that’s sleeping with his daughter.  He sends the guy off to investigate some space garbage that turns out to be an alien warship.  The ship makes a big bubble game dome over Hawaii.  Liam is on the outside and pretty much out of the movie while the aliens and the boyfriend and a guy with no legs and a lot of speaking parts are on the inside.  They play two AC/DC songs (never do it twice — Iron Man didn’t even do it twice), fist fight with aliens, and then rope a retirement community into manual labor on an old battleship.  The part with the old guys was pretty awesome.  Spoiler Alert: Then they beat the aliens.

Overall, this movie is worth your time but it also sucks.  Just because Hasbro cut corners on this movie doesn’t mean that you should take it easy when you see a shit show like this.  A board game that turns into a blockbuster deserves a toast.  So, what are you gonna drank with that?

Introducing You Drank My Battleship!:

• Battleships are basically big stupid cruise boats full of sailors, so you need a cruise-line-sized cup to hold this drank.  We picked up a couple of *giant* plastic goblets from the party store on the way to the movie.  Big cups are not easy stowaways when sneaking into movies, so carry a duffel bag.
• Cruise ships are all about piñas.  You know what I’m talking about booyah!  Pick up the piña colada mix at the same place you buy the rum (we recommend airplane bottles, which are as easy to sneak on to real cruise ships as they are into movies), then ask for cups of ice from the concession stand.  They’re stingy with ice, so you’ll need to send your buddy too.
• Pour the mix, ice and rum into the goblet when you’re ready and then get ready for the garnish.  ”You Drank My Battleship” needs a depth charge, and we picked the most alien thing we could get our hands on.  On your way to the movies go to a healthy store and ask for “kombucha.”  It’s a rotten fruit juice that ladies drink to keep thin and regular. Also this stuff is alive like yogurt is alive, but more.  Pour a shot glass of kombucha and drop it in.  Torpedoes ready? Boom!

The healthy drink mixes pretty good with the piña colada and the bubble goblet kind of reminds of you the game dome on screen.  It’s a great drank for a shitty movie.  We hope you enjoy.

You can learn more about Battleship at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

A couple of disclaimers that should have been included on the movie poster:

• This movie is not in 3D.
• This movie is about aliens even though the board game is just about boats.
• The acting in this movie is really bad.  Your editors love bad acting, but this acting is so bad that it makes bad acting hard to love. Rihanna.
• The aliens look like they were stolen from Halo 2. Halo 2 is another game, and actually more fun to watch then this movie.
• No one ever says “You sunk my Battleship” in the whole movie!  How could this be overlooked?  Seriously.  Who screwed this up?  Oh wait.  This guy.

A-benders is more like it.

Alright team. We know you’re out of shape. We know you’ve been drinking legal booze in licensed, candy-ass sanctioned theaters. And we know you are soft and weak for it. We forgive you. It’s the offseason. But no excuses. Blockbuster season 2012 is now. Get in the game!  You can get lazy again right after Expendables 2: Also Expendable.

And what better way to kick it all off than with a big, gay family reunion! That’s right, all our beefcakes are back. Chris Evans’ pecs, Chris Hemsworth’s pecs, Robert Downy Jr’s beard, Shrek… your editors have been waiting for The Avengers for four years and now everyone has come home and we can get back to the way things used to be. Simpler times when men were men and dranks got drunk illegally.

With that, a toast! What’s a cocktail that combines a petulant intergalactic Norse god, four different storylines, that blue cube thing that is in all of them, superhuman power, and really shoves the nuke right in your space hole (earmuffs: they have to shove a nuke in a space hole)?

Introducing: FOUR LOKI

A weapon beyond our comprehension:

• 1 can of Blue Raspberry FOUR LOKO

It’s one simple ingredient and it comes in its own container, which is perfect because the movie is two and a half hours long and has enough to juggle without you fussing around. So sneak it in a bag and crack this bad boy during the Battleship trailer. It’s super loud so nobody will hear you. Not even when you wretch those first couple sips.

The movie itself is awesome. Aliens on Ski-doos. Mark Ruffalo nails Edward Norton playing Eric Bana playing Hulk. So many things blow up. Green Lantern dies in it. And each character gets more love than they did in their own franchise. We’d happily wait four years for another Avengers.

But maybe how about we never drink FOUR LOKO again because it’s awful. Full body Jeremy Renner frowny face. Or maybe we’re just out of drinking shape. Either way, see this movie. And assemble your team. It’s going to be a good summer.

You can learn more about The Avengers at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

Come on, people.

We’re busy and there’s nothing but crap in theaters*.

So we’re saving it for the summer. So many good blockbusters coming out! We’ve already begun planning drinks.

Stay tuned. Stay sober. Help is on the way.

Sincerely,

-Your editors

*Actually Pina 3D was pretty good. You can learn more about Pina 3D at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

Wait Aziz! Don't drink that drink! He put a Mentos in there...

30 Minutes or Less is a movie about a kid who gets a bomb strapped to his chest and is forced to rob a bank by a couple of rednecks.  We think the reference to 30 Minutes has something to do with the kid being a pizza delivery driver because it has nothing to do with how long the bomb is on his chest (pretty much all day), and it definitely has nothing to do with how long the movie is (This movie is way longer than 30 minutes.  Pack for a regular length movie!).  Whoever cast this movie obviously saw Tropic Thunder and Facebook: The Movie, because this movie is pretty much about Mark Zuckerberg (who is just the same as himself in the other movie, except in the beginning of this movie he  smokes pot and drives a car fast — otherwise, exactly the same) meeting Danny McBride when he’s the redneck demolition expert in the jungle (which is pretty much the same as when Danny McBride when he is the redneck kung fu coach without explosives, and which is pretty much like Danny McBride when he’s the redneck prince in The Medieval Express, except there’s no kung fu).  Otherwise, there’s no real difference here, so you can guess what happens.  Zuckerberg talks really fast and McBride uses a lot of racism and slang words for private parts.  So if you like that stuff, see this movie fast because it won’t be in theaters long.

Your editors heard that this move was based on a true story, so we based our cocktail on a real life threat.  Warning, if you drink this drank we advise you to wear a raincoat in your seat, or put a garbage bag in your lap, or plastic wrap.  You will get wet!  Introducing, “The Slow Fuse”:

• On your way to the theater, buy a bottle of Diet Coke.  We know you don’t need diet, and it tastes bad, but it produces maximum effect.  So buy it!
• Buy a traveler of Whiskey.  We picked up Jim Beam because it just felt right.
• Buy a roll of Mentos (flavor of your choice)

A lot of crap you see on YouTube is fake.  You can pretty much count on that.  What isn’t fake is what happens to Diet Coke when you put a Mentos in the bottle.  Your editors were pretty sure it was a lot of hype, but to be sure we tested it outside of the bodega.  Holy shit does it spray out of the bottle!  It is impossible to drink it fast enough (we tried, and it kind of hurts cause it goes up your nose).  Plan B, hence the title to this drank: work with an open container to regulate your explosion.

• On your way in to the theater, ask for a “courtesy cup”
• Pour a shot of Whiskey into the cup and then add the Coke.  At this point, it’s basically a Whiskey Coke.
• Then, drop the Mentos bomb into your cup and slam the drank before it boils over.  (Readers, it WILL boil over)
• When you’re ready for another hit, repeat the steps.  The faster you drink the less explosion gets in your lap.

If you like comedies then you might like 30 Minutes or Less.  It’s no Three Stooges Marathon, but it does have a very funny Mexican gangster that really should have had more screen time.

If you like Whiskey Cokes, well then you’ll love The Slow Fuse.  It’s pretty much a Whiskey Coke that you HAVE TO drink fast.  (I should admit, after this movie I felt a little weird, kind of like I couldn’t stop shaking my legs and my teeth were soft.  Maybe it’s because we bought mint Mentos.  Go for fruit flavored.)

Learn more about 30 Minutes or Less on the popular Internet movie site IMDB.

"When a Sumarian feels thirst, it is the thirst for blood. And vodka."

We’ll keep this brief because there’s maybe seven lines of dialogue in this entire movie, five of which are in the info-dump at the beginning (expertly narrated by none other than Morgan Freeman).

Let us just start by saying that, in his defense, Conan was born to really terrible parents. And that goes a long way towards understanding his behavior. For starters – rather than stay home while very pregnant – his mom decides to go fight against this army of barbarians with dreadlocks trying to enslave and kill her people. Then, when she gets killed (duh), his dad gives her a c-section, right there in the field. With like, an axe type thing! Then he hangs around and keeps fighting and gets killed too, leaving Conan to fend for himself. Very iffy parenting. Very iffy medical care. Very iffy decision-making. But undoubtedly a family of tough bitches.

So Conan grows up and is more or less super pissed off about this, and the rest of the movie is him chopping the fuck out of people and their bodies to get revenge. Overall it’s pretty good if you like that sort of thing.

We knew we would need a cocktail with lots of guts, so what’s a drink that doesn’t do a lot of talking, is good with a blade, and can hack n’ slash its way through a frantic 90-minute fight scene? Introducing “Conan the Bar-Backian”.

• GRAB CUPS! Regal theaters don’t give out water cups, so your editors had to pay $5 for mediums, which are the smallest they have, so that technically makes them the smalls, all of which was lost on the kid at the concession stand. Not to mention the injustice of it all. So grab cups.
• Vodka
• Soda water
• Straws with part of the wrapper still at the top
• Lemons
• Limes
• Maraschino cherries
• Grenadine
• Paring knives or an axe
• Little cocktail swords
• Toothpicks

Get in the theater and set up the garnish station on/is your lap. Using the knives, slice the lemons and limes into wedges. Do so furiously, and if you cut yourself, do not fear pain. Do not fear death. Just put the wedges in the cup. Then stab them in the fucking face with the cocktail swords and toothpick spears. Put in some cherries and some ice. Pour in soda and vodka in a classic 2:1 proportion. Then drizzle grenadine over the whole bloody mess.

It’s basically a vodka soda – the preferred water-looking stealth drink of the barback community so they can booze on the job – combined with the gory, syrupy remains of your conquered foes (just fruit garnish, really). And it tastes great! Conan probably would have really sucked without it.

The one drawback is that you’ll splatter juice everywhere and make a mess, but what are you some kind of pussy? This drink is born on the battlefield. Conan ain’t apologize for that.

You can read more about Conan the Barbarian at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

And now you can get this shit in your tweeters by following us.  Do it!  http://twitter.com/#!/DrankWithThat

We can’t.

AN OPEN LETTER

To The Producers of The Smurfs (we know who you are)

Fuck y’all, sirs!

First off, look at us. Look at our site. Look at how we spend our time. We are not picky. We’re total suckers for bad movies. Gluttons. Junkies. Alcoholics, but instead of alcohol it’s bad movies. And alcohol. Between us we probably spend $200 a month on movies and drinks to go with them. Generally, we’re pretty easygoing guys.

On the other hand, we do care about some stuff. Like people. And children. Especially ones that read our publication. And unlike you, we want the people who spend their time with our work to walk away having gained something from it. So with that, we’re going to give our readers two helpful options for things to do rather than go see your shit-for-brains movie:

1.    Stab self in the face and/or nards.
2.    Write angry letter to the producers of The Smurfs about how their movie is stupid.

Producers of The Smurfs, and we know who you are, we absolutely refuse to see your movie. And this is an open call to our readership to similarly boycott you and your whole bullshit.

You kicked our childhoods in the child teeth. You’ve taken a big dump on the square of carpet where we sat and watched our Saturday morning cartoons. You stole our toys and replaced them with pee-pee. And that’s the realest shit we ever typed.

Not only will we not review The Smurfs, but we will not buy the bootleg of the movie or watch it on a Chinatown bus if it happens to be playing on that bus. In fact… in fact you producers of The Smurfs, rather than see your movie in the theaters, we chose to sit home on a weekend and drink a cocktails and write this open letter. Just a cool activity for a couple cool dudes is what that is.

So what’s the perfect cocktail for sitting at home and getting all riled up to write a threatening letter to the producers of The Smurfs? Introducing: “Innocence Lost”

• Take something you remember fondly from your childhood, like Blue Berry Blast Kool-Aid®
• Mix in something contemporary, blue, and very gross… like oh say Cascade Crash Gatorade®
• Then heap on the abuse with something else blue and horrifying, like Alize Bleu® or HPNOTIQ®
• Finally, Blue Curacao to taste

The cocktail is perfect because it’s terrible.

Sure, maybe you don’t care about the opinions of two film-goers / drunks / fans of the cartoon show The Smurfs.  And that’s fine.  But consider this, producers of The Smurfs (and we know who you are), the sound of this blog post blogging might just be the sound of millions of dollars lost.  It might just be the sound of a box office failure.  For we are are many (eight!), and we are in a huge fight with you right now.

The fuck outta here…

Sincerely,

Your Editors
DrankWithThat.com

P.S. Read more about The Smurfs on IMDB, the popular Internet movie site.

P.P.S For more important information on what makes a good movie and why your movie is bad, you can read our twitter.  http://twitter.com/#!/DrankWithThat

Optimus Prime: "I'm here to transform normal ingredients into an amazing drink!"

Pop Quiz.  If Michael Bay got in a bar fight with John Favreau, who would win?  Obviously Michael Bay.

Ok, if Brett Favre showed up and him and his buddy John tried to tag team Michael Bay, who would win?  Trick Question, because the answer is still Michael Bay.  Also, this would never happen because fighting Michael Bay is pretty mush a suicide mission… in space.  Why?  Because of Transformers 3!  In Space!

Movie franchises know that taking it to space is a surefire way to get a hit.  The Muppets took it to space, Star Wars took it to space, Airplane took it to space.  Shoot, if the writers had figured out how to get Hightower into a space suit, we’d probably still be watching Police Academy movies.  For those of you snoozing out there: take it to space!

That’s what Transformers 3 did, and that’s exactly what we did.  What do you drank with that? Introducing the Obvious Prime:

Pack light because you’ve got to get this shit into orbit.  We suggest freeze-dried:

• 1 metallic pouch of Astronaut ice cream (neapolitan)
• 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried bananas
• 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried mangoes
• 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried pineapple
• 2 spoons of Freeze-dried Tang (NASA took this shit into space!)
• 1 bottle of Robot-preferred Svedka vodka (not yet available as freeze-dried)
• Handheld (battery-powered) frother

Put all of this stuff in a cup (preferably a strong plastic cup because the frother will gnarl up a dinky paper cups they give away at the concession stand), add a little water, a lot of vodka, and some ice to transform the freeze-dried stuff back to it’s normal form. Blend and drink.

It’s called the Obvious Prime because frothers are loud.  Seriously loud.  Even in a movie with as many explosions as this one, you’ve got to be strategic about when you blend, otherwise you might get ejected.  So plan smart and look for robots on screen before you fire up your sidearm.

This alleyway looks clean enough for a photo op.

All said, this drink was delicious but the movie wasn’t that good.  Basically, Transformers are on the moon and Neil Armstrong knows about it.  Deceptacons know about it too.  There’s also a super weapon called a Space Bridge that breaks all the rules in the movie.  Shia LaDouche is in this movie too, and he’s got a new hot chick whose name we can’t remember (doesn’t matter anyway).  The two of them pretty much get in the way of all the good robot porn.

Which brings your editors to the big problem with Transformers 3 In Space.  Too much talking and not enough fighting!  Mr. Bay, if you can hear me, don’t worry about the story.  We know you don’t care about it anyway, so just stop pretending like it matters to you and get to the good stuff. (Yes, we know what we’re asking you to do.  It’s ok.  You’re never going to an Oscar anyway.  That’s not what you’re in it for.  Remember?  You’ve got a higher calling.)

Overall, go see this movie and drink this drank.  Plenty of noisy opportunities to emulsify your cocktail, a lot of overt patriotic references, and too many opportunities to fist pump and high-five your buddy (in a good way).

Read more about Transformers 3 In Space on IMDB, the popular Internet movie site.

+++

Disclaimer: Freeze-dried fruit does not transform back to it’s original form when you add vodka.  It stays very weird, and kind of piles up on the bottom of your cup like a wet rag with a dry center.  If you are not deterred by texture, break off one of the arms of your 3D glasses to dig that shit out when it’s stuck in your cup.

Additional Disclaimer: Prepare to flip out because Buzz Aldrin has a speaking part in this movie!  Holy-shit-why-isn’t-anyone-talking-about-this.com?  Toast your Tang when you see him on screen.  He’s a real American hero.

*Journalistic integrity compels us to confess that 95% of this review was written prior to actually seeing Transformers 3 In Space.  After watching the movie, we added the details about Buzz Aldrin and that hot chick whose name we don’t know.

First contact.

Some movies are sweet because they are about exactly what they say they are about. Like Snakes on a Plane*. Or Music and Lyrics.

It’s not clear from the title, but this movie is about cowboys and aliens, in general. But also, specifically, are they bros? Turns out: no.

Why? Not entirely sure, but it has something to do with aliens insisting on human experimentation all the time, which is very rude. And gold. The aliens want gold. “It’s as strange to them as it is to us” is Olivia Wilde’s explanation for that. Cash4Gold.space? Whatever.

Daniel Craig stars as a cowboy with a past and a very beautiful, very limited-edition bracelet. Your editors would so hit that. He and Harrison Ford – the old coot! – set aside their differences and give the aliens a real what fer. A bunch of Indians do that too but they don’t get much credit because history is written by the Jon Favreaus.

Anyway, what’s a cocktail that represents both sides of the Cowboys v. Aliens debate?

Wet your whistle with: “Close Encounters of the Turd Kind” (we’re adults)

• 2 parts Sioux City Sarsaparilla
• 1 part Jack Daniels
• 1 part Harcos brand Alien Blood™

Some very rare ingredients in this one, so leave plenty of time for running around the city explaining what sarsaparilla is to Whole Foods employees. And you need to go to space for the alien blood. Really cuts into your Saturday. Plan ahead.

Once you get in the theater, mix them in a cup w/ some ice. The first thing you’ll notice is how pissed you are at yourself for drinking this Alien Blood™ shit. Holy god is it gross. And true to the movie, it does not get along well with humans. We’ll spare you the details – seeing as we’re in mixed company and all – but let’s just say it had us rootin’ and tootin’ within minutes. Human experimentation, indeed.

That said, it really brings the premise of the film to life. It’s like cowboys and aliens are mixin’ it up, right there in your belly!

The final score:

Cowboys and Aliens: Solid B. Sweet explosions. Definitely features both cowboys and aliens.

“Close Encounters of the Turd Kind”: Solid FDA. Seriously someone alert the FDA about Alien Blood™.

You can learn more about Cowboys and Aliens at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

*We didn’t see Snakes on a Plane because obviously the only way to see Snakes on a Plane is on a plane and you can’t sneak drinks on the plane. And we don’t buy drinks at the theaters or at the planes. We sneak ours in. Like men.

More of a gestalt here, really.

Your editors beat the heat this weekend at Captain America: The First Avenger, which is a cool movie about a cool country in a cool theater. It’s also required reading for anyone planning to see The Avengers next Spring. If that’s you, feel free to suggest cocktails in the comments section (we will ignore your suggestions).

Here’s the party in the U.S.A.: like so many dudes in Brooklyn, Chris Evans is a scrawny wuss with a big heart. Renowned scientist Stanley Tucci gives him some juice that makes him unbelievably chestwaxed. Then sends him to go fight Nazis. He whoops so much butt and becomes a hero and a symbol of all that is right and great. Because it’s not about the Captain. It’s about America. And America has huge tits. Now go punch Hitler in the face with those huge tits!

One unfortunate byproduct of his experiment is that he can’t get drunk any more. But you still can!

What’s a good, patriotic cocktail about American exceptionalism, courage, and just busting through the front door on a motherfucker?

Beeyok!: “The Thirst Avenger”

• 1 part Jack Daniels (USA)

• 2 parts American flag can of Budweiser (USA)

• 2 parts Coca Cola (USA)

• 100% of an American flag (China)

Try to get ahead of this a little or you’ll wind up in the front row of the theater like we did. Grab whatever Jack Daniels you have lying around and stuff it in a bag. On the way over, swing by a bodega and grab the Budweisers. If you go someplace that doesn’t carry the American flag ones, boycott that place forever. Those are key. Go somewhere else and grab a flag there too. Every drug store sells these in the summer.

Get in the theater and buy a small Coca-Cola. The small is like 50 ounces too big so you have to go dump some out in the drinking fountain. People will think you are crazy but this is a free country and you do what you want. From there, get in the theater and mix up the medicine.

Like Stanley Tucci’s version, this one hurts a little at first, but then you get over it and you start feeling yourself becoming stronger and better, mainly in the chest region.

The movie itself is pretty good. They condense most of the explosions into one completely unhinged montage, which is overwhelming and insane. But he jumps off of some exploding tanks and Tommy Lee Jones reprises his role as Tommy Lee Jones, which is always great.

The low points are the blue cube thing because what is that thing? And everyone’s German accent. Holy shizer those are bad German accents.

Anyway we did it. Mission accomplished. Wave your flag proudly. Thank you cocktail. You were very good for this movie. And Hollywood, you’re on notice. We’ve sat through five Avengers prequels now. Some are okay. Some are awful. Either way you’ve rung up a 10 hour price tag, plus expenses. Your editors expect a return on their investment next Spring…

You can learn more about Captain America: The First Avenger at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.